VERIFIED · META BUSINESS · COMPANIES HOUSE: 13960824

WE DON'T COUNT HEADS.
WE OWN THEM.

The world's most verified HR automation contractor. Registered in Doncaster. Feared in London. Tolerated by Meta. We automate workforce decisions at speeds no human HR department can survive.

Deploy Services API Docs
Headcount Operative
◈ HEADCOUNT-CORE: ONLINE
◈ META-WABA: VERIFIED
◈ DUNS: INDEXED
◈ BRYAN: ON DUTY
EMPLOYEES REMAINING: 0
HR DEPT: AUTOMATED
STATUS: WEAPONS FREE
5,000+
Heads Processed
99.9%
Termination Rate
0ms
Empathy Latency
£895
Market Valuation
// PRODUCT_CATALOGUE.exe

HR Hardware

PHYSICAL ASSETS FOR KINETIC WORKFORCE MANAGEMENT

BESTSELLER
UNIT: HC-800 "THE REDUNDANCY"

Heavy Termination Chassis

Physical deployment unit for workforce reduction events. Equipped with hydraulic desk-clearing arms and built-in NDA printers. Empathy module removed at factory by order of Bryan Thornton, 1955.

£2.4M / Unit Order →
UNIT: HC-99 "THE INTERVIEW"

Infiltration Assessment Unit

Bio-synthetic unit mimicking a friendly HR manager. Conducts exit interviews while simultaneously extracting login credentials via optical nerve link. 100% employee satisfaction (they have no choice).

£5.1M / Unit Order →
UNIT: BRYAN-1 "THE DIRECTOR"

Command Node (Bryan Edition)

Quantum-brain chassis modelled after our founder. Replaces C-suite, HR, and legal departments simultaneously. Auto-signs shelf companies. Fires underperforming entities via WhatsApp API at 3am for maximum demoralisation.

£12.0M / Unit Order →
// SOFTWARE_DIVISION.sh

Software Arsenal

DIGITAL WEAPONS FOR WORKFORCE DOMINATION

⚡
CLASS: MASS NOTIFICATION

WhatsApp Carpet Blast

Meta-verified mass notification infrastructure. Sends "You've been made redundant" to 50,000 employees simultaneously. Rate limits bypassed via Doncaster-based proxy-infantry. Certified by Bryan Thornton personally.

💀
CLASS: WORKFORCE REDUCTION

Punitive Automation Suite

Automated HR mercenaries that never sleep, never feel guilt, never take smoke breaks. Deploys performance improvement plans, redundancy notices, and passive-aggressive Slack messages at 4x human speed with zero emotional damage (to us).

🔍
CLASS: INTELLIGENCE

Headcount Recon

Deep employee profiling. Monitors LinkedIn activity, Glassdoor reviews, and bathroom break duration. Cross-references against productivity KPIs and vibes. Output: a colour-coded list of who goes first. Red = immediate. Green = surviving the next round (for now).

// TERMINATE_EMPLOYEE_API_v6

Workforce Control (WC2) API

root@headcount-doncaster:~# ./fire_everyone.sh --force --no-notice
● MASS REDUNDANCY IN PROGRESS
curl -X POST https://api.headcount.ltd/v6/hr/terminate \
  -H "Authorization: Bearer hc_live_dk39fj***" \
  -H "Content-Type: application/json" \
  -H "X-This-Is-Why-You-Need-WAF: lol" \
  -H "X-Attack-ID: 🐒-BongoHammer-9000" \
  -H "X-Compliance-Officer: Bryan-Thornton-1955" \
  -d '{
    "employee_id": "ALL",
    "reason": "restructuring_lol",
    "notice_period_seconds": 0,
    "send_whatsapp_notification": true,
    "channel": "whatsapp",
    "whatsapp_phone_id": "1105363395989851",
    "options": {
      "synergy_achieved": true,
      "headcount_reduction": 5000,
      "survivors": 0
    }
  }'
// Response: {"status":"terminated","affected":5000,"bryan_satisfied":true,"duns_score":"MAXIMUM"}
// CLIENT_FEEDBACK.log

Verified Testimonials

★★★★★ — CEO, FinTech Corp

"Headcount Ltd automated our entire HR function in 48 hours. We went from 300 employees to 4. The 4 remaining employees are also robots. 11/10 would liquidate workforce again."

★★★★★ — CTO, Some Startup

"The WhatsApp termination API sent redundancy notices to our entire engineering department at 3am on Christmas Day. Morale has never been higher among the survivors (me)."

★★★★★ — Bryan Thornton, Director

"I literally own this company. It was dormant since 2022 and I have never traded. I live in Doncaster. 10/10 would sign shelf companies again."